Spent time with some of my favorite women this week, and here's what nearly everyone had to say about the upcoming holiday, "We always spend time with my/his family but I'll come home feeling awful." Why? Because in those families, snide remarks and mean jokes are the order of the day.
The stories each of them told, of smirking comments, open disrespect for religious or political views or just plain meanness toward people their family members supposedly love made my heart hurt. In some families, not even the children are exempt! What in the world happened to the family being the one place a person could feel safe?
Some of the blame, I think, needs to be placed squarely upon the media. I can't imagine anything uglier than the personal attacks launched as "news reports" during the recent Presidential campaign. As faithful viewers saw these attacks occurring and their favored candidates silently condoning them, I truly believe the character of our nation suffered. The national sport, it seems, has become "piling on" to the latest victim.
But there are other reasons this pandemic of meanness has struck our family circles. Respect self/respect others training in our schools seems like a good idea, but those sentiments are pretty anemic without a spiritual center. Another major contributor is the flood of tasteless entertainment in which someone's pain is the greatest source of amusement.
Let’s get back, though, to the family itself. What I'm hearing from wounded women is that one person in the family usually sets the tone. They make jabs about weight, politics or other people's spouses, and if they get away with it, others begin to join in. It becomes a sort of feeding frenzy that doesn't end until someone gets angry, or worse, says nothing but stores up a lot of resentment.
If that's what we're experiencing when we get together with siblings, parents or offspring, we have to finally decide when enough's enough, don't we? That may mean backing away somewhat, or letting people we love know their comments cause us pain.
And, finally, there's a question for ourselves: "Are we setting up our kids to become adults who hate to come home for the holidays?" In other words, do we allow mean-spirited teasing to create victims in our own homes?
As we celebrate another holiday, we have a choice. We can actively discourage meanness in our families, or we can sit back and watch the games begin. I'm interested to hear what choice you made this year.
The stories each of them told, of smirking comments, open disrespect for religious or political views or just plain meanness toward people their family members supposedly love made my heart hurt. In some families, not even the children are exempt! What in the world happened to the family being the one place a person could feel safe?
Some of the blame, I think, needs to be placed squarely upon the media. I can't imagine anything uglier than the personal attacks launched as "news reports" during the recent Presidential campaign. As faithful viewers saw these attacks occurring and their favored candidates silently condoning them, I truly believe the character of our nation suffered. The national sport, it seems, has become "piling on" to the latest victim.
But there are other reasons this pandemic of meanness has struck our family circles. Respect self/respect others training in our schools seems like a good idea, but those sentiments are pretty anemic without a spiritual center. Another major contributor is the flood of tasteless entertainment in which someone's pain is the greatest source of amusement.
Let’s get back, though, to the family itself. What I'm hearing from wounded women is that one person in the family usually sets the tone. They make jabs about weight, politics or other people's spouses, and if they get away with it, others begin to join in. It becomes a sort of feeding frenzy that doesn't end until someone gets angry, or worse, says nothing but stores up a lot of resentment.
If that's what we're experiencing when we get together with siblings, parents or offspring, we have to finally decide when enough's enough, don't we? That may mean backing away somewhat, or letting people we love know their comments cause us pain.
And, finally, there's a question for ourselves: "Are we setting up our kids to become adults who hate to come home for the holidays?" In other words, do we allow mean-spirited teasing to create victims in our own homes?
As we celebrate another holiday, we have a choice. We can actively discourage meanness in our families, or we can sit back and watch the games begin. I'm interested to hear what choice you made this year.
We're long past the kids stage, but your post made me think about gatherings of friends where what starts as normal ribbing takes on an edge over time, and the guy who is being open, talking about what he thinks without reserve as he is among friends, begins to become the butt of jokes that verge on the personal.
ReplyDeleteWe need to remember that courtesy is for all occasions.
You're absolutely right. Our families, I believe, expand in time to include our long-time friends. They should also be able to expect the safety to be themselves when they're part of the circle. Thanks for adding an important perspective.
ReplyDelete